9/10/09

well Jason and just had a convo..and now i can't sleep so here i am to blog ...as to what who knows ...i'm sitting here thinking how did i get to the place i'm at i mean i'm not true happy with anything the way it is..i just feel that at this point maybe the world and me would be better if i didn't exist anymore..but that whole thought kinda scared me it the same sense i mean ..to think about what happen when i'm not..if i was to die tomorrow ..where would that leave all the ppl who care..maybe i should just withdrawn from them...seem whatever i say makes them feel like shit anyhow.. Jason is my life and somewhere on this walk i've lost him...with due cause...i know this walk has been shitty but at the end of the day i wouldn't have want to take in with no one else and maybe that's a bad thing ..with all the bumps i've caused along the way..but looking back if i could take them back i would but i can't and that the shittest thing ever because know i don't see how this walk can go on..he can't forget and somethings i cause i don't wanna ...man i'm tired...maybe it's time to run like hell i don't want to but maybe it's the best thing to do...i'm just losing grip on everything..i don't know.. going to try and sleep ...to tired to really think clearly right now..seem to be an on-going thing right now..sick of being sick...

well i really don't know what to write about..but figure i should write something..my life is going pretty good these days..Jason and i haven't really been fighting that much lately.. i decide to stop talking to James as much...since it was becoming a very unhealthy situation for all involved...i wish it didn't have to come to that...but meh..i should know better at this point...but now that we've doing OK it seems all the people around me that i care about are going threw bad times..my best friend is going threw some drama with her ex...i think she should just walk away...and i told her that...and another one of my friends..well he's seem to be falling back into old bad habits..and i think that scaring me more than anything around me at the moment...but like he said its his life...i think i just need to realize that i can't save everyone...on the work note it's still shittty..and i miss bon-bon still...well laterz

meh haven't wrote anyting in awhile

well my life lately has taken a turn for the worse..jason thinks my lying to him about everything..which i'm not.my purse was stole from my work place.it seems like everything i touch lately turns to shit...been think alot lately on how my life hasn't really been goin the way i planned it to..at this point i should atleast have a house and be married...fuck i'm almost 30..and really haven't done anything...i think it maybe time to work on me...and try not to forget those who are always there for me...On a happier note tho i made a new friend and saw my best friend for the first time in over a year...wish we could have chilled longer but it was a thursday and there isn't much to do on a thursday..i also losted another 3 lbs..woot!..only 30 to 40 to go!!!!

fuck i don't know what i am anymore!

i swear I'm losing my mind..why must i over think every little thing about my life... i hate being a Libra!!!!!!! there's so many little stupid things that are pissing me off lately...1. I'm a fat girl..open your fucking eyes people...i'm so sick of people saying thing like your just being a girl..first of all there only maybe two things about me that even prove i'm a girl or another thing they say is your not that big!!! i'm fucking 80lbs over weight...to doctors i'm fucking OBESE...it's just really pissing me off and i really want it to stop!!! thank you jason for being the only honest fucking person around me!!...2 it's my life...yes you heard me mine!!! so i see that i should be able to fuck it up how ever i see fit...i'm sick of living for other people, things or whatever....fuck all of you...no ofence. 3. whats the sense of staying with someone who you having nothing with really...fuck it feels like we're just roommate..who really secretly wanna hack each other into little cube well the other is sleeping...c'mon really...how can two people that once were so crazy for the other lose that..i just wanna to feel something..anything...because i love my man more than words can ever express!!!

BOYFRIEND SURVEY

WHAT'S HIS NAME? Jason
HOW OLD IS HE? 34
WHAT'S HIS MIDDLE NAME? Wayne
HOW TALL IS HE? 6 foot 0 ish
HOW MUCH DOES HE WEIGH? 400ish
WHAT COLOR EYES DOES HE HAVE?brown
WHAT COLOR HAIR DOES HE HAVE?dark brown
DOES HE PLAY ANY SPORTS? Nope
IF SO, WHAT SPORTS?
DOES HE HAVE ANY PIERCINGS?yes...Two
DOES HE HAVE ANY TATTOOS? 1
WHAT'S HIS SHOE SIZE? 10
WHAT DO PEOPLE USUALLY THINK WHEN THEY SEE HIS? EWW!
IS HE AN EMOTIONAL PERSON? somewhat
IS HE OPEN WITH YOU?Not normally
HAS HE EVER LIED?Nothing  that really  matters
WHAT ABOUT?
DID YOU FORGIVE HIm? WHY? Sure Why Not
HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU TWO USUALLY SPEND TOGETHER a few hours a day
HAVE YOU EVER HURT HIM EMOTIONALLY? have...and probably still do
PHYSICALLY? yep
DO YOU MAKE HIM DO THINGS HE DOESN'T WANT TO DO? yes..probably

~what do you think~
ABOUT HIS BODY? was better when he was younger
HIS SMILE?It can fix a shit day
HIS HANDS? they're hands
KISSES?meh
DO YOU FEEL SAFE WHEN HE'S HOLDING YOU? most of the time
HAS HE EVER BOUGHT YOU A PRESENT? yes
SENT YOU A CARD? don't think so?!
WHAT'S THE MOST ROMANTIC THING HE'S EVER DONE? walked from greensville just to bring me flowers...twice
HAS HE EVER MADE YOU A LIFETIME PROMISE? yes
WHAT'S THE MOST SPECIAL ONE? not sure
DO YOU HAVE ALL THE PICTURES HE'S GIVEN YOU? no
WHAT ABOUT THE ONE OF YOU TWO TOGETHER? no
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT HIS EX-GIRLFRIENS? scum bags, losers, and users...besides one MEL
DOES HE STILL TALK TO THEM? sometimes
DO THEY KNOW ABOUT YOU? think so
DO THEY LIKE YOU? hell no
DO YOU CARE IF THEY LIKE YOU? oh fuck no
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT OTHER GIRLS HITTING ON HIM? Depends
HAS A GIRL EVER HIT ON HIM WITH YOU STANDING RIGHT THERE? YES!!!
WHAT DID YOU DO ABOUT IT? nothing..it was kinda funny in a sad way
DO YOU COMPARE HIM TO YOUR EX-BOYFRIENDS? maybe a little
HAS HE EVER DRAWN ANYTHING FOR YOU? not sure
DO YOU TWO FIGHT A LOT? OMFG YES!!!!
WHO USUALLY SAYS SORRY FIRST? Me
WHO'S FAULT IS THE FIGHT, USUALLY? MINE!
DO YOU KEEP HIS LETTERS? yes
EVEN THE ENVELOPES? no
HAS HE CHANGED SINCE YOU FIRST STARTED GOING OUT? yes a lot!!! some good lot bad
WHAT'S HIS WORST HABIT? not trusting me(but that my own fault)
HAVE YOU TRIED TO STOP IT? all the time

~future~
HOW LONG HAVE YOU TWO BEEN TOGETHER? 11 years next month
DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED? hell no!
HAVE YOU TALKED ABOUT IT? yes
WHAT ABOUT BABIES? maybe
GIRL'S NAME? Azrael
BOY'S NAME? Barret(eww!)
AGE YOU'LL BE WHEN YOU MARRY? no clue
AGE HE'LL BE? no clue
WHAT AGE DO YOU WANT TO BECOME A MOM?28-29
DO YOU WANT A BOY OR A GIRL FIRST? boy
WILL THE TWO OF YOU CRY? likely
WILL YOU TWO GET AN APARTMENT OR A HOUSE FIRST? a house if we have kids
DO YOU WANT TO MOVE AWAY FROM YOUR FAMILY? yes..but i really don't think i really could!

~has he ever~
RUBBED YOUR TUMMY? yes
KISSED YOUR HAND? yes
YOUR FOREHEAD? yes
YOUR TUMMY? yes
YOUR NOSE? yes
YOUR CHEEK? yes
YOUR NECK? yes
STICK UP FOR YOU?YES!!!
IGNORED YOUR PHONE CALLS? yes
YELL AT YOU? yes
CUSSED AT YOU? yes
HIT YOU? yes
THROWN SOMETHING AT YOU? yes
ENCOURAGED YOU? kinda
JUST MADE OUT IN FRONT OF YOUR PARENTS? no?!
CUDDLED UP WITH YOU WHEN YOU NEEDED COMFORT? yes
MADE YOU WARM? yes
GONE TO A DRS. APPOINTMENT WITH YOU? yes
BOUGHT YOUR FAMILY CHRISTMAS PRESENTS? sort of
LET YOU DO HIS HAIR? yes
LET YOU WIN A FIGHT? Yes
CHEAT ON A GAME SO YOU COULD WIN? no

~his favorite~
MOVIE the devils rejects
SHIRT probably blue hick shirt
BAND ramones
INSTRUMENT not sure
FRIEND tom..maybe jeff?
FOOD b.b.q.steak
SIDE OF THE BED left?
THING TO SLEEP IN nothing
SHOES TO WEAR black ones
HAIR STYLE messy
HAIR COLOR red?
COLOGNE/PERFUME omg i really don't know that..hmmm axe maybe?
HOBBY..mma?
OBSESSION drama
CANDLE SCENT grandma's cupboard
THING TO SAY not sure
COLLECTABLES anything horror
TIME OF DAY bed time
KIND OF WEATHER sunny and warm
COLOR green
ANIMAL NAME snorfus?

~last things~
DO YOU THINK YOU TWO MAKE A GOOD COUPLE?not really..
DO YOU REALLY LOVE HIM yes!!!!!
DOES HE REALLY LOVE YOU? i'm pretty sure ..yes!

could he???

so today was a pretty good day..i got to spend alot of time with my best friend.which just doesn't happen much anymore since we both normally work different shifts..it was great...just to be my silly little self for once. it been such a long time...i also met her friend that lives down the hall from her..she's really cool... so ya anyways back to our day..we didn't really do all that much..ran around in the rain paying bill then had some lunch...when it was all done we went back to her house and watched some movies...which kinda got me thinking...i'm very selffish...i honestly think my boyfriend could do ALOT better than me...and maybe i should just let him go...i know that to you this probably sounds stupid but to me it kinda doesn't....i know with out a doubt i couldn't nor would want do any better than him....i just don't know..fuck i'm tired ...well whatever i'll write again later when i make more sense out of this lol

100. WHAT'S YOUR PROFILE SONG & WHY?
Lie to Me By 12 Stone...why..no reason really
99. DO YOU HAVE A JOB?
yes

97.DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE?
yes
96. DO THEY LIKE YOU BACK?
kinda

95. HOW CAN YOU TELL?
they told me?!

94.WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND?
karen

93.ARE YOU THEIR BEST FRIEND?
yes

92. WHATS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE?
devil's rejects

90. DID YOU CRY DURING THE 7TH HP BOOK?
havent read it..and don't plan to

88. DO YOU HAVE A FRIEND OF THE OPPOSITE SEX YOU CAN TALK TO?
Kinda

89. DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS?
1 older brother

86. WHERE ARE YOU NOW?
my house

85. WHAT'S SOMETHING FUN YOU DID LAST WEEKEND?
there wasn't really anything

84. DID YOU DO ANYTHING TODAY?
went downtown then to work

83. ARE YOU HAPPY?
For The Most Part

82. WHAT IS SITTING TO YOUR LEFT RIGHT NOW
Galaxie

81. WHERE IS YOUR SISTER RIGHT NOW?
don't have one

80. DO YOU HAVE ANY KIDS?
nope

78. CLOSEST BLACK OBJECT?
Ashtray

75. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?
rarely

74. DO YOU OWN ANY PETS?
5 cats 2 dogs

72. LAST TIME YOU LISTENED TO COUNTRY MUSIC?
Don't Remember

68. WHAT CAN YOU HEAR NOW?
tv

67. CAN YOU PLAY AN INSTRUMENT?
nope

65. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
a tshirt

64. LAST PERSON TO COMMENT YOU?
no one..

63. DO YOU SING?
try to

62. SCREAMO or COUNTRY?
country

61. ROCK OR R&B?
ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!

60. DO YOU LIKE CHEESE?
fuck ya

57. WHAT JEWELERY DO YOU WEAR DAILY?
none

56. WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?
Lost Within myself try to figure shit out and this stupid survery

54. WOULD YOU DIE FOR SOMEONE?
probably

53. LATEST THING YOU'VE RECENTLY LEARNED?
nothing really

52. ARE YOU COLD NOW?
nah

51. WHAT DO YOU SMELL?
feet

50. IS ANYTHING BOTHERING YOU RIGHT NOW?
Yes alot of things

48. WHAT ARE YOU DOING TOMORROW?
working

47. WHAT DID YOU EAT FOR BREAKFAST?
nothing

46. LUNCH?
pizza pizza

45. DINNER?
7-11

44. DO YOU LOVE SOMEONE NOW?
ya

43. DO YOU HATE SOMEONE RIGHT NOW?
Not really maybe a little bit

42. CAN YOU SWIM?
kinda

40. DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE?
sorta

39. ARE YOU GERMAN?
part

38. ARE YOU ASIAN?
no

37. FAVORITE SMELL?
anything fruity

35. UNITED STATES OR CANADA?
canada

32. JEANS OR SWEATPANTS?
jeans


31. WHAT SHOULD YOU BE DOING?

Cleaning

30. ARE YOU GONNA DO IT?
no

29. DO YOU HAVE SOCKS ON?
nope

28. DO YOU OWN BIG SUNGLASSES?
nope

27. HAVE YOU CRIED SO HARD YOU MADE YOURSELF SICK?
yes

26. DO YOU LIKE TECHNO?
some

25. FAVORITE ACTOR?
Johnny Depp,Morgan Freeman

24. DO YOU SMOKE?
yes

23. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER?
16

22. Favorite drink?
canada dry green tea

21. How many posters are in your room?
0

20. What sports do you play?
none

19. FAVORITE TV SHOW?
2 and 1/2 men

18. DO YOU LIKE 80'S MUSIC?
some

15. WHAT KINDA MUSIC DO YOU LIKE?
all sort

13. BEST PLACE YOU'VE VISITED?
???

12. BEEN TO LONDON?
no

11.CAN YOU LICK YOUR TOE?
i can..but i don't

10. FAVORITE PLACE TO BE?
with friends that care

9. BEEN TO COLLEGE?
no

7. FAVORITE TIME OF DAY?
midnight because if i work that when i normal get home

6. SOMEONE EVER LICK YOUR CHEEK?
yeah

5. SEEN ALL THE SPIDERMAN MOVIES?
nope

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?
fall

3. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO?
nothing really

2.EVER GOTTEN LOST IN THE DARK?
yes

1. WHERE IS YOUR NUMBER 1 at?
Don't know haven't talked to him in a while

Jason...Past or Future!!!

o this is my life..i'm almost 30...and i'm still living like a frat boy...i'm sick and tired of it...i love how certin people alway put people down...and how there supposly so much better than me....well from where i sit down in and day out i don't see how...i don't know how much more i can take..and the very thought of leave scares the shit out of me..but what else do i do?i can't live the way your taking my life...i need more...just looking around are home makes me sick...but yet i'm sick and tired of trying to make it a home...i'm sick of talking to you about the problem..i'm sick of you passing the blame to me...and accusing me of shit...yes i did some stupid shit in the past....but i told you when i came back that, that was all in the past..i wanna be for real this time..but i guess you don't....tell me what to do? becuse at this point i'm so conflicted...are you going to be me past or are you coming with me to my future!?!?

Grade9

YOUR LOVE KILLED MY PAIN

BUT NOW IT'S BACK

WHY DO YOU REJECT ME

PLEASE UNDERSTAND I LOVE YOU MORE THAT LIFE IT'S SELF

AND I ALWAYS WILL

BUT YOUR KILLING PART OF ME

AND IT WILL NEVER RETURN

WHY DON'T YOU HELP ME

INSTEAD YOU JUST TOSS ME INTO THE FIRE